Crunch time...

Ugh. This coming week is finals week. I am scheduled to work a 6 day week. When do these people expect me to be able to study and write my papers? I would like to keep my Dean's list grades. Most of the problem are these people at work. Some people take off almost every week for some thing or another. Then, the owner didn't hire some girl because her boobs were too big. Yes, because her boobs were too big. She was afraid that people, staff and patrons, would be distracted! How ridiculous. I guess I never would have gotten the job if I wasn't already there when she bought the place.

Meanwhile, big boob girl wasn't offered a job even though she was well more than qualified. I have to bust my ass in that place because these people are crazy. Hire people! I am going crazy. This is an absolutely guaranteed way to lose your staff. Make them work long and many many long shifts with no time for relaxation. Or you can tell them that their job isn't important or hard so they need to learn to do something else. What? Yes...it happened today. Not to me because I am at the point that I would have flipped out. There are times when I just want to walk out. Times when I just want to walk into oncoming traffic so I can just take a break from life. I work six days, two of which are double shifts, and go to school 3 nights a week.

I have a 10 page paper due Wednesday, an exam Monday, and another 10 page paper due Thursday. It's ridiculous. I do nothing but work and study, work and study. I'm going crazy. I don't even remember what my friends look like. Probably would get lost trying to get to their houses. Today was work from 10 to 4 then immediately start working on one of my two papers. I had to take a break to catch up on my blog. As soon as I'm done typing I will start studying for my exam. No, my paper is not finished but I need to do a little of this and a little of that because I get bored with the same topic and I get writters block, especially with just a big and important paper.

My sister turned 20 today and I haven't even talked to her because I was at work then she went out so I probably won't until tomorrow....oh no wait.....I have to work all day tomorrow too. Maybe well be able to sneak in a 5 minute phone call when the lunch shift slows down.

Happy reading, ACLove

random...

So I have come to the realization the I need to open up my friend base. Of the few guy friends that I have in the area some are gay and the others are in relationships. Since I am usually hanging out with guys, do I appear unavailable?

Anyway, today was fun. I went with some people after class to Cuba. We ate dinner and went for drinks. Then I got a call from a guy at work wanting to hang out. I wanted to save money so instead of drinking and spending money at the Tavern, I decided to come home and just hang out. Then I called him to find out he went out with some friends. I didn't really mind but at the same time I could've stayed where I was. Ugh.

I have been having some shooting pains in my hand and forearm. My other arm, where I got the tentanus shot, feels like there is a golf ball under my skin. Then I got a call today from the insurance adjuster. I still say that it was that lady's fault. I mean who really drives faster to pass a car that is pulling out of a spot instead of simply waiting? She was in an accident a few months ago she said. Hmm...interesting, you mean that there is a possibility that people cause accidents for attention, money, or hhmmm to fix up her ugly ass car.

Yesterday I was talking to someone about having someone to come home to. Then tonight, I walk into my empty apartment. Other than my dog, of course. I mean when is it my turn to have something special? Pretending to be so happy on the outside is so much work. Especially when deep down you are alone and sad. It is a tiring thing to do. Pretending to be someone you're not. I guess I'm not being someone I'm not, it's just that I don't feel like myself except when I put on this front to the world. Part of me feels like I am standing in a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs for help and everyone goes about their lives and pays me no mind. Another part of me doesn't want anyone to know how I really feel. There is still that stigma people have about depression.

I just want to be me again.....

Happy reading, ACLove

shitty day....

Well Easter was good. Good food, family, and reminissing. Hope all yours were good too. I didn't pig out too much.

I weighed myself this morning. I lost some pounds. 5 since my first blog to be exact!

Anyway, I am writing in tonight to tell about my shitty day today. The worst day ever. Anything that could be wrong was. First my day started off at work when a glass shattered in my hand. Emergency room visit from 12am to 3:30pm. A shot, xray, and three stitches later. I was discharged and my day got worse when I had a car accident in the parking lot. It was not my fault. Then I did last minute party shopping and food preparing to end up with a party consisting of me and two of my friends. We did have fun drinking, eating, taking shots, and playing Wii.

What is wrong with people? When did it ever become socially acceptable to RSVP to a party and then not show, don't call, or have some sorry ass excuse why you can't come (3 hours after party was supposed to start)? The problem, in part, is that I give people the benefit of the doubt that they can actually act like a mature adult about a situation. I have tons of food and liquor left. Let me know if you all want any!

Happy reading, ACLove

three's a crowd....

So today was actually great! I joined some friends from school for an afternoon in the sun enjoying moijitos, sangreia, and empanadas. It was so nice out today, it was great to have off and enjoy the sun and just....relax and hang out with friends for a cocktail afternoon.

And then...it happened. You know how you go out with a group of friends and somewhere along the line you end up sitting with a couple and everyone else leave. Ugh. Depending on who it is....it can be ackward. And it was. Then in my head I began to think about how I wish I had that person there with me. Someone to hold and cuddle with. Someone to.....love.

Then thoughts begin to run through your head about yourself and what is wrong with you. Is there anyone for you? I associate this to my weight. I don't know how much of that is true, but it seems that way to me. I begin to think about how big do I look? How big do I look? Am I unlovable? It's so depressing to think about. It's even depressing to think about thinking about it.

Then I think about how I have lost a couple pounds this week. This diet is back on track. I still have yet to incorporate exercise into the program. I have been busy this week so I have been missing some meals. I know, not at all the healthy thing to do, but it really wasn't on purpose. Trust me, I really love food.

Sunday is Easter and I can't wait to go visit home. My grandmother is in the hospital so I am going to see her. Don't worry, she will be okay. My mom is picking me up tomorrow and we are driving back to Philadelphia Sunday night. She is staying over then leaving for work in Atlantic City early in the morning. I am glad my mom is coming to visit for the night. I really do love spending time with her. We are like best friends. Yes, my mom and I are best friends. She is the anchor in my life. When I start to feel low she brings me back up.

CAN'T WAIT!!

new law...

So apparently, Philadelphia passed a new law that requires restraunts to put the nutrition information on the menus, calories, fat grams, everything. You would think this would be helpful, however, then you realize that even the salads that you love are 1100 calories. GEEZ!

Either way the diet has been okay. Work was okay. Jess came to visit again but damn it...we still didn't finish Super Mario for Wii yet.

Cleaning lady came today. She is great! Love her.

We took Kanah to the dog park again, even though she got bit last time, she had so much fun with Jada. They were fighting over balls and sticks. They were so cute.

This is a short blog today, nothing really is going on since yesterday.

Happy reading, ACLove

Tipping the scale....

So when I woke up this morning the first thing I did was weight myself. Of course after I went potty because that's what everyone says to do. The scale I use is broken and it is off by like 10lbs I think. So although I was tipping the scale, I still had to add to it to get a better idea of what it actually is. Maybe I should let the lady at the doctor's office weigh me next time. Poor girl, I never let her and her charts are probably all messed up.



I woke up late this morning so I didn't eat breakfast. I know I know....it's the most important meal of the day. Well, I would rather sleep. Work was better than yesterday. Definately made more money which is nice for bills coming up. I ate a cup of chicken noodle soup and a half of an egg salad sandwich for lunch. Blah!



Ang invited me to Quizzo tonight. I think it will be fun. Drinks and quiz questions to win money...AWESOME!! Lots of tempation coming my way. Drinks have tons of calories and all hell will break loose on my waist line if I eat any of that bar food. I hate sticking out though. I hate bieng the only girl at the table eating a salad while everyone else is chowing down on wings and burgers. Ugh.



I am saving this post and I will finish it tonight after Quizzo. I have to meet Dara to do the project for Techniques class.

Back. Well the project went good. Except for the billion mic checks that we had to do. Then it was off to Quizzo, after the fire alarm stopped going off in my apartment of course. I can't just leave Kanah because it hurts her ears.

Finally made it to quizzo and watched Her and Him all over the place. When I go out, I usually realize that I am alone and how much I long for that close connection with someone. To roll over in the middle of the night and have someone to hold you after a bad dream. I connect this to my weight. It could be because my self-esteem has been so low....but same thing I guess.

Nothing else right now, Happy reading, ACLove

I started this blog because....

There are actually a few reasons why I decided to venture into the world of blogging. First being that I have always been considering it and my cousin's blog convinced me to start. I always thought about what I would say, what people will think, and if my trials and tribulations of life could possible benefit anyone else. I mean think about it, if just one person gets some kind of emotional comfort from my words I guess that is all I can ask for.

I am a 23 year old (female) full time graduate student living in the Philadelphia area. I am in a Masters program for psychology and my life is very very busy. I work during the day and then have classes at night. Soon I will be starting an internship and that just adds so much more stress.

My biggest issue in life recently is the massive amount of weight I have gained over the past several years but mostly what I topped it off with in the past year. It is a struggle everyday in my head. I argue with myself about what to eat and what not to eat, how I should get some exercise in, but how tired I am after a busy day. This is the inspiration for the title of my blog. I have never been a small girl, but never been a really big one either, until recent years. I am embarrassed to see old friends and meet new people.

I went to Atlantic City this past weekend with my friend Jess and she got all the male attention. I was the fat best friend that made these guys ask their friends just to "take one for the team". How embarrassing. I almost cried in my Redbull and Vodka.

I put on a brave front. Most people who know me don't know about the pain and low self-esteem that is boiling deep inside my being. The friends that I have are great people and I definately feel the love. My parents are great, when I get to see or talk to them. As for my younger sister, well let's just say that we have never been that close and that in itself is a hard matter to cope with. Who doesn't want to be close with their own siblings. It is supposed to be that person that you can tell anything to and will be there no matter what. I am that to her whether she believes it or not, however, I do not feel she is that for me.

Anyways, my life is crazy busy and a little depressing. I hope that people can lend advice and receive advice to and for this blog. I will try to type at least three times a week if not more if I have the time. I will write about my deep dark feelings and secrets, I am an open book. I will talk about my struggles to lose weight and find that special someone in life.

Happy reading, ACLove