So I have come to the realization the I need to open up my friend base. Of the few guy friends that I have in the area some are gay and the others are in relationships. Since I am usually hanging out with guys, do I appear unavailable?
Anyway, today was fun. I went with some people after class to Cuba. We ate dinner and went for drinks. Then I got a call from a guy at work wanting to hang out. I wanted to save money so instead of drinking and spending money at the Tavern, I decided to come home and just hang out. Then I called him to find out he went out with some friends. I didn't really mind but at the same time I could've stayed where I was. Ugh.
I have been having some shooting pains in my hand and forearm. My other arm, where I got the tentanus shot, feels like there is a golf ball under my skin. Then I got a call today from the insurance adjuster. I still say that it was that lady's fault. I mean who really drives faster to pass a car that is pulling out of a spot instead of simply waiting? She was in an accident a few months ago she said. Hmm...interesting, you mean that there is a possibility that people cause accidents for attention, money, or hhmmm to fix up her ugly ass car.
Yesterday I was talking to someone about having someone to come home to. Then tonight, I walk into my empty apartment. Other than my dog, of course. I mean when is it my turn to have something special? Pretending to be so happy on the outside is so much work. Especially when deep down you are alone and sad. It is a tiring thing to do. Pretending to be someone you're not. I guess I'm not being someone I'm not, it's just that I don't feel like myself except when I put on this front to the world. Part of me feels like I am standing in a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs for help and everyone goes about their lives and pays me no mind. Another part of me doesn't want anyone to know how I really feel. There is still that stigma people have about depression.
I just want to be me again.....
Happy reading, ACLove